Know that my life is not less, but much more by Eric Nunnally

Hunched over and staring at the floor pushing up at me
Rocking back and forth in a rocking chair of
Conflicting wills and rhythms
I can’t seem to get off this pot
And God won’t stop
Aggravating me, bored with waiting on me
To get my shit together
Let go
And let Him…

Picture perfect promises
Presented as inheritance
If only I can take the chance
To step out on His word

Loud and clear is the confusion of my stubbornness
Egocentric tantrums insisting that I am grown!
I can do this on my own!
I tell myself
And listen to the cathartic backwash with a frown on my face
Because of the aftertaste of consequence
Having already been warned not to lean
To my own intelligence

The Book’s been read before
But I got caught up loving the tongue and teeth
Hearing my inner preacher preach
Swaying to the rhythms and intonations of it’s
Silent speech
Instead of studying the lessons it was meant to teach

So I keep reading
To stop the bleeding of my soul
I keep reading
To indelibly impress upon the rest of what remains from
Having over-entertained some insatiable appetite for
Stimulation –
I keep reading to make up for
All that I gave up for
Not wanting to be still…

The sensation
Kills me

At least that’s what it feels like
As the heat of my energy builds up and suffocates my spirit
Got me sipping cool air while stretched to my limit
It’s hard to be patient when you think so much is
Going on without you…

All about you
The winds are racing
Circling, chasing your thoughts in every direction
Stampeding conjectures on lectures you only thought you heard
Words un-fathered by wisdom
Given birth through the prisms of your most selfish desires
Fires you mistake for divine inspiration
Without question
Mad in the absence of self-control

So I keep reading
To stop the bleeding of my soul

Back and forth like the heavy part of a pendulum
Swung too hard in a lopsided case
Bracing itself so it won’t crack the face
Of invisible black hands and feet
Which take one step at a time
One step at a time
One step at a time

And whether that rhyme discovers bumps in the road
Or prints in the sand, even a blind man can see
The line under his feet
Where the molecules of hard soles disagree with those of the floor
And the complex mathematics illustrating the facts of his being
Can be summed up nicely in how he is feeling

Stealing attention from what matters
By introducing facts that add clutter to a mind already filled to capacity
With ideas it will never truly understand

But for the sake of having a taste of metropolitan delights
We fight for our right to live our lives the way we want to
The world be damned
If it tries to
Impose regulatory standards on our
Self-important values…

Hedonistic bruised and spoiled fruit
Stinking in the culture of its own excess and self abuse
Oblivious to the hearts that mean to heal
Avoiding any mirror
That would show them what is real

I sigh

You’d swear she knows better
But she can’t get her letters to spell anything
But bitterness that ferments into madness
And that mess causes so much stress
Its ridiculous

He knows the thoughts that transcend time and
Conceive realities still meant to be
Are the age-old promises he has yet to read /
That there is nothing new under the sun
And that God wants to live through everyone

And gives us a million and one chances to accept Him
And we reject Him
Because our parents weren’t perfect enough for us
To believe Him
Not totally, unconditionally and obediently
Because we’re still stuck with appetites
We don’t want to be free
Of

Tastes acquired giving in to curiosity
Experimenting with the generosity of others’ misery
Wrapped in shiny paper to look like candy
Sugar coated bullshit,
There’s so much of it
We feed our faces and swallow whole
Might as well be pinching our noses
And so we ignore the belch that confuses
And dare not admit we’ve been hooked on some shit
We’re ashamed to say we need
Embarrassed by our addictions, fears and failures - see,
We get so deep
We have to make it seem
Normal

Hell is the absence of God
And God is love
And learning to love yourself
Is the greatest love of all

And we get so deep
We have to make it seem
Normal

But who loves themselves and eats shit?

Crying like a crack head rocking back and forth
Soul torn, worn out and empty with pain
Life stains caked at the back of the brain
Clogging thoughts that can’t translate all the hurt
Into praying

“Our Father…” for the lives it took for you to be here
You are the pinnacle of a pyramid of a billion years
The blood that’s in your veins is as old as the sun
And the spirit that you are is part of everyone

One of a kind
And blessed are those who know it
And since God is an exhibitionist
Blessed are those who show it

You can’t see things exactly the way I do
With the feelings and issues that define my view
Nor expect me to be more while you can be less
Excused from the responsibility to live at your best

Embrace every one of your beautiful scars
Embrace yourself with all the courage that you’ve got, for you are
More beautiful than a sunset, an aurora, or rainbow
You are a gift of God to all of us,
The universe, and so on…

Relativity is a reality that stretches my mind
And belief is the wife of my love, even blind
So, though you see me staring at the floor
Rocking back and forth
Know that my life is not less, but much more

November 3, 2004
November 4, 2004