That I could not by Eric Nunnally

I have caught myself wishing more for you
Than I can give
Forgetting sometimes whose you are
Overwhelmed by my love for you

I have hoped for you a life undaunted
By the shortsightedness of others
That you would know God
In spite of my failings
And Love your Creator with all of your heart, mind and soul
By living a life of truth and love

I remember lying in the bed with you holding my fingers
A newborn fascinated and smiling at something I couldn’t see
In the air above us…
And imagined angels watching over you
And was comforted in that,
Believing you had more than just me

I see you and know I am blessed by you
Wish I could make the world more beautiful for you
Hoping to share with you where I find God
In things that have brought my soul peace
The smell of a forest
The sound of a stream
And the feel of the air in the early morning
Just kissed by a new sun…

And wonder if bringing you to the water to be quiet
Walking through the golf course in the rain
Or bringing bread and stale chips to the park
To feed the gulls and geese and sparrows
Will put your hand in God’s when I am gone
And be enough for you
Should you ever miss me

And when alone, I suffer the thoughts of the noise you hear
From a woman I am quick to acknowledge knows no better
But is still your mother
And loves you the best that she knows how;
Because if she knew better
Maybe your heart wouldn’t feel so much hurt…

And I cringe at my own mistakes
Which have fallen from my mouth
Upon your ears
In frustration
Also causing you pain…

And pray you will forgive me, your mother too -
But more than that, know that God has a purpose for you
And that everything happens for a reason
And that all things work for the good for those who love God

And I hope that someday, when you reflect and remember
More important than our frailties and failures
You will know you are loved
With all of my heart, “for God so loved the world…”
And I pray that God will bless you
With all the love, beauty, joy and happiness
That I could not

November 11, 2004